2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
You Might Also Like
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities