[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
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Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills