Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
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Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Best table by far
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?