I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
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ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Am getting real tired of your crap…
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I need to update my racial profile.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.