Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
You Might Also Like
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang