What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
You Might Also Like
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Not helping
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy: