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boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I get distracted pretty eas
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match