Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
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*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
no!! no!!!!!!
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
shut up and take my money
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.