[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
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Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.