My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
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I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
this chia pet tastes awful
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.