Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean