My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
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My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.