For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
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as is their right
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My patience has stretch marks.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.