May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
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Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.