An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
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The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while