Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
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HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song