Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
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My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
The A string on my guit_r is flat
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun