Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
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Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.