[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
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My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Gemma Correll
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
look at me when i’m typing to you
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*