For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
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Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
That 👊
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.