“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
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inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)