You Might Also Like
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
So that’s what we looked like?
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.