Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
You Might Also Like
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Gemma Correll
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Autocorrect completely socks
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I don’t think my car can fly