Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
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I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!