me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
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Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.