Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
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Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!