Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
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probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I love art.
Chemical wingman
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”