*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
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Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.