Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
You Might Also Like
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model