Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
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Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.