wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
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Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip