Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
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I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
accurate
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Miscakes
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.