I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
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I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”