All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
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put ‘er there pardner!
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche