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On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
A fake ID that makes you younger
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches