Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
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Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Order here:
More here:
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Think I pulled my liver