Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
You Might Also Like
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Attacked by a mop.
This makes total sense…
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.