[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
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Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
This why you should mind your business
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or