I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
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Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.