The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
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[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.