i dont have time for this
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[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
A roof is a house hat.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain