cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
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It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do