20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
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“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”