*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
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[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I’m having an out of money experience.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
👾👾👾
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks