If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
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I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
“We will wed,” I threatened
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose