Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
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McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor