Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
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Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
nyc:
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.