*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
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‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Interior design 👌
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”