I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
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If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
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A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us