All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
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Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Do not go gentle into that good night,
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this